A Guide to Accidental Matchmaking
by E Salvatore
Summary: Step 1: Hit on a pretty, single girl. Go crazy over the fact that she turned you, A Perfect Guy, down. Step 2: Find out she's being courted by an actual king. Feel better about her turning you down. Step 3: GET THESE TWO IDIOTS TOGETHER.


"That's an interesting book you've got there."

Mitch Holder waits patiently for the woman to look up from her worn copy of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ , fixing a friendly smile on his face. He doesn't let it falter when she takes her time to finish the page before slowly moving her gaze upwards, nor does he let it get to him when the woman's green eyes settle on his face for all but three seconds before moving back to her book.

"And that's an interesting choice of a pick-up line, coming from someone who claims to be an expert on these things," She says nonchalantly, her eyes moving rapidly across the page even as she speaks.

"Ah," Mitch's smile grows wider. "I see you've heard of me."

"When you've got as many single friends approaching 30 as I do," And at this she finally closes her book, marking her place with a slim, well-manicured finger. "I daresay you'd be hard pressed _not_ to recognize one of the best-selling _romance gurus_ of the decade," Her voice drips with disdain, and her smile somehow comes across as more of a smirk.

"I take it you're not a fan?" He's suddenly painfully aware of the fact that he's got three paying customers watching his every move, and this serene, kind-looking woman doesn't seem like the sure thing he'd assumed her to be when he picked her as his target just minutes ago.

"I wouldn't take it personally," The woman shrugs, her eyes sweeping past him to land on the chalkboard menu over his shoulder. "I'm not much of a fan of romance in general."

The fact that she still hasn't dismissed him has to be a good sign, right? "Well, that puts me in kind of a tough spot," Mitch gives her his best 'charmingly sheepish' smile, the one he's been practicing in the mirror since age 16. "You see, I've got three people who think I'm gonna get your number, and my professional reputation is kinda at stake here."

"And your pride too, I'd wager," She drawls, eyes finally flicking back to him; he can easily tell she's laughing at him just by the look in her eyes. "Would it make your life easier if you told them I'm very flattered, but happily committed to someone else?" Something tells him that neither of those things are true, but at least he won't look like a total loser in front of the guys.

"I suppose so," He sighs heavily, looking up at her through lowered lashes in a last-ditch attempt to get some sort of reaction out of her. It's a blow to his ego, is what it is, this total and complete disinterest from an obviously single woman. "Can I at least get your name before I go? Seems only fair, since you know mine."

The woman rises from her seat, snagging her wallet off the table as she does. "Someone once taught me that life isn't very fair at all," She says as she brushes past him. "But it's Sarah, if you must know. Sarah Williams."

He's tempted to just stand there like a fool as he marvels at this effortlessly cool and composed _Sarah_ and the way she's just brushed him off, but this is already going to look bad to the guys as it is. Mitch calmly walks back to the table, spins some bullshit tale about how she's a huge fan of his work and how, unfortunately for him, his tips and tricks were exactly what had landed her a boyfriend she's very much in love with.

The guys question him at first, but then a blond man shows up and slides into the chair opposite Sarah's with a familiarity that can't be faked, and it's decided that the four of them will now leave her and her boyfriend in peace and give the bar down the street a try.

Mitch tries to subtly stare at the stranger as they leave, but the man must have eyes in the back of his head or something because he turns to Mitch and makes eye contact for one startling second before turning back to Sarah, the faintest hints of a smirk pulling at his lips.

 _Jesus,_ he thinks to himself as he walks out of the café, _what the hell is up with that guy's eyes?_

.

 _._

 _._

He finds himself back in the café later that week.

And then again. And again. And-

Look, it's not his fault that they're the only decent place in this college town that isn't filled with students 24/7. And if his visits slowly happen to sync up with Sarah's, well, it's not like he ever bothers her again. He can be an ass, but he's not the kind of ass who forces himself repeatedly on an obviously uninterested woman.

Besides, he's not here for Sarah; he's here for her and her mysterious companion, who always shows up half an hour after her and leaves shortly after she leaves. They always spend exactly an hour in each other's company, once every other day, and Sarah is always the first to leave. One time it seems as if the man is about to leave with her, but she places a hand on his chest and gently pushes him away, smirks at him and says something that has him grinning ruefully as he watches her leave the café and disappear from sight.

So here's the deal: Mitch is pretty damn sure the dude's in love with Sarah, and Sarah doesn't seem to mind him. But he also knows that Sarah was definitely lying about being in a relationship that day, and her odd routine with the mystery man only proves that they're not dating.

It's a puzzle, and Mitch has never encountered a puzzle he can't figure out. So he bides his time and waits for an opportunity – only for it to be handed to him on a silver platter one quiet Thursday afternoon.

As usual, Sarah has left and her companion is looking out the window, watching her until she turns around the corner and disappears. That's usually when he makes his way to the door and walks in the opposite direction, but today he walks right past the door and all the way across the café to Mitch's table.

"Um," Mitch finds himself saying as he looks up at the man.

"Hello, Mr. Holder," The stranger says evenly, his lips pulled up into what is probably supposed to be a smile but comes across as more of a wordless threat. "Now that it has been a fortnight since you first started observing Sarah and me, I have decided that it is time for us to formally make each other's acquaintance. Don't you agree?"

Mitch can feel his palms getting sweaty in a way they haven't since junior high. "I wasn't spying on you," He blurts out in a rush of words, watching nervously as the man laughs and slides into the chair opposite his. "Just… you know… observing. Like you said. With no bad intentions. I was curious, that's all."

"I level no accusations of malice at you, rest assured," In all his time watching this man, it seems strange that Mitch is only now realizing that he's wearing gloves – indoors, in late August. Who does that? "Sarah tells me you are something of a relationship expert; I assume you were observing us for strictly professional purposes?"

"Yeah," He goes along with it, recognizing an out when he's offered one. "Something like that. I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name?"

"I did not offer it," The man says dismissively, staring Mitch down in a way that makes the hair on the back of his neck stand on edge. "Now, Mr. Holder-"

"Um, actually – really sorry to interrupt, by the way," He quickly adds when the guy's eyes flash with disapproval, "I actually prefer Mitch, if you don't mind."

That seems to pacify the dude; there's even a bit of a smile on his face, though Mitch suspects it's just a sign of the man being amused by him. "Very well, then. _Mitch_ , what have you found throughout the past two weeks of observing us?"

Wait. Is the guy – he's _totally_ asking for help, isn't he? Mitch feels himself slipping on a confident smile, squares his shoulders and leans back in his chair. This? This he can handle. This is his zone, and he's in charge now.

"I'm gonna need some background information first – you know, to put my observations in context. How long have you been trying to date Sarah?"

" _Date_?" The man echoes with a laugh, his lips curving into a smirk. "My dear boy, Sarah and I are not meant for such trifling human customs. She is my intended, the one I have decided to share eternity with," If the dude notices that Mitch is stunned silent, he shows no sign of it. "To somewhat answer your question, it has been twelve years and ten months since I first made my intentions known to her."

He doesn't even know where to start. " _Twelve_ years?"

"And ten months," The man nods solemnly.

"And you're trying to get her to agree to _marry_ you, not date you, right? Just so we're clear on this."

"Yes, and preferably within the next two months. Where I come from, we are given thirteen years to court our intended," He explains upon seeing Mitch's wide eyes and gaping mouth. "If your intended has not come to feel for you the way you feel for them after thirteen years, you must leave them be and never subject them to your unwanted presence again."

"Shit, dude," Mitch mutters, shaking his head in disbelief. "That's pretty high-stakes. Seems like a weird rule, but hey, what do I know about other cultures, right?"

The man says nothing.

"All right, moving on. So based on what I've seen and what you've told me, I think it's not impossible for Sarah to agree. I mean, if she knows you want to marry her and she hasn't run for the hills yet, that probably means she's not entirely opposed to the idea. So as long as she knows about the deadline, I think-"

"She does not."

Mitch stares at the man as he nonchalantly brushes some invisible speck of dirt off his sleeve. "What do you mean she doesn't know? Why?"

"It is believed that knowledge of this… deadline, as you call it, could drive a person to make a hasty decision, or pressure them into making a choice they would not have otherwise made," The man shrugs. "Therefore, we are not allowed to share this particular morsel of information."

"Dude," He groans, falling back into his chair. "Who the hell comes up with these things, honestly?"

"My great-great-great-great-grandmother, if the stories are to be believed. Now," The guy rises to his feet and offers Mitch a gloved hand. "I must be going, but I thank you for the conversation. It was… entertaining, if not as enlightening as I had hoped," A frown appears as he says that last bit, but it's quickly replaced with a mild smile.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Mitch says, standing up to shake the dude's hand. "But hey, if you ever wanna talk again – I mean, the more details you give me the more I'll be able to tell you, probably. Also, can I have your name now?"

"I suppose there might be some merit in continuing this conversation," The man concedes after a moment. "Very well, then. I shall approach you once more in the near future. As for a name… I am King Jareth of the Danann."

If the dude is messing around, he's got a pretty damn good poker face. He walks away right after that, before Mitch can even think of something to say _to actual royalty_.

Well, shit. No wonder Sarah wasn't interested in him.

.

.

.

The next time Jareth shows up at the café, he shows no signs of so much as recognizing Mitch – not while Sarah is around, that is. The minute she leaves, Jareth joins him at his table and they talk about how he and Sarah first met (something about a play in a park and Sarah ignoring her wailing baby brother and challenging him to take care of the baby when he confronted her about it), when he proposed (when he finally realized that she _did_ care about someone other than herself and that she was every bit as determined and headstrong as him), and how the two of them had come to their current arrangement (some kind of bet that Sarah had lost, apparently).

Mitch isn't there for every coffee date of theirs – he _does_ have a life and a job, after all – but he speaks to Jareth at least once a week, and finds himself genuinely rooting for the guy. He's a goddamned _romance guru_ , but seeing the way Jareth talks about Sarah makes Mitch actually believe – for the very first time in his life – that true love is somewhere out there. And the fact that it's not entirely one-sided soon grows clear to him, as he spends more and more time observing the way Sarah tries to hide her smile whenever Jareth shows up, the way she automatically leans towards him whenever they talk, the way her eyes glance up from her book to watch him every once in a while when they're both reading in silence, only to flit back down to her page right before Jareth can catch her in the act.

As they near the deadline, Mitch is reasonably confident that his favorite new acquaintances will turn out just fine and he's gonna wake up one day soon to find that he's been invited to a royal wedding in a remote European country.

And then Jareth is suddenly saying goodbye to him.

"I have enjoyed these talks of ours more than I ever expected to," He tells Mitch one day, right after he drops the bomb that tomorrow is the deadline. "I thank you for that, and for being the one person in all the worlds that I could confide in about Sarah. Ours might not be a happy ending, but talking to you about her has at least reminded me of some happy memories that would have otherwise remained buried under the weight of my sorrow."

Look, Mitch has been talking to the guy for two months now but shit, dude, he has no goddamn idea what to say to a broken-hearted king. "I'm sorry, man. I was really looking forward to attending your wedding."

"I would have liked that," Jareth says with a small smile, the only heartfelt non-Sarah-related smile he's ever given Mitch. "Goodbye, Mitch Holder."

And that, as they say, is that.

.

.

.

Mitch doesn't go to the café two days later. He doesn't think he could bear to see the look on Sarah's face when she realizes Jareth isn't going to show up.

Two days after that, he decides to get his caffeine fix somewhere else because the only thing worse than seeing a brokenhearted Sarah would be to find that she's stopped going to the café, stopped waiting for Jareth, stopped hoping or even caring.

By the time his secretary announces an unexpected visitor a week later, he's almost entirely put the whole thing behind him. And then Sarah Williams storms into his office, all fiery determination and raging fury, the very embodiment of _hell hath no fury like a woman ghosted._

"Where the _fuck_ is Jareth?"

"Um, I… I mean, I don't know who-"

"You can spare me the act," Sarah sighs, falling into the chair on the other end of his table. She looks… drained suddenly, as if all of that initial anger and determination has leaked away and now here is a tired, sad, and concerned woman who just wants some answers. "I know you two had some kind of friendship going on. That's the only reason he wouldn't have scared you off after the first few times you spied on us."

"I didn't – I would _never_ -"

"Dude, I don't fucking care. Do you know where His Royal Pain-in-the-Ass is or not?"

And that's when he realizes: Jareth isn't allowed to tell Sarah about the deadline, but nothing's stopping a third party from telling her.

So tell her he does.

"That _idiot_ ," Sarah seethes afterwards, pacing around his office. "Why the hell didn't he- I mean, did he seriously think I don't- It's been _thirteen years_ and he still- argh!"

She storms out of his office as suddenly as she had entered it, and Mitch can only hope that means she knows exactly where Jareth's obscure kingdom is and how to get there.

.

.

.

Two weeks later, he receives a wedding invitation in the mail.

* * *

 **Hello, Labyrinth fandom! Wow, it's been a while since I was last here. I hope you guys enjoyed this silly little thing.**

 **Comments are always nice and warmly welcomed!**


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